The Birds and the Bees
by TheWhammy'sBoysAreACircus
Summary: Byakuya groaned. “If only it was that easy, Abarai,” he murmured. “’The Talk’. Also know as…” He paused. “The Birds and the Bees.” AU, crack, YAOI WARNING, IMPLIED BYAKUYAxGIN, RENJIxICHIGO. Rated T for older teen but not M material. XOXO- Circus


"Renji." The one word unknowingly sealed the Abarai's fate. He looked up nervously from the card game he was playing with his captain's younger sister. Said captain, Byakuya Kuchiki, Captain of Squad Six of the Gotei Thirteen, stood ominously over Renji, his face solemn. Rukia blinked at him as did Renji; he looked _unusually_ solemn. It was scary. Was Renji being booted? What the hell was going on? Renji looked at Rukia and grinned.

"Royal flush," he informed her, dropping his cards on the table. He stood and nodded to his Taicho, "What is it, Kuchiki-Taicho?"

Byakuya put his hand gently (which, in itself, was scary) on Renji's shoulder and met his eyes. "Fukutaicho," spoke Byakuya apathetically, although there was pain in his eyes. Renji was mentally going through things that he could've done wrong recently and was continuously coming up blank, no matter how many times he went through his actions. What was wrong? Renji couldn't fathom. "Come to my office. We need to have…" He faltered here. "Ehem, we need to have a talk." Renji blinked curiously as his Taicho walked off. He glanced at Rukia who shrugged nonchalantly and he grumbled, following Byakuya. Byakuya was waiting in front of the office of Taicho Six. Renji entered the door Byakuya held open and took a seat while Kuchiki-Taicho closed the door and locked it before taking his seat.

He lost his composure for a moment. He slumped in his seat and held his face and one hand, peering through his fingers at Renji. Renji had an innocent look about him, wondering what on _earth_ he had done. However, the raven across from him was pondering _how_ exactly Gin talked him into doing this! Honestly, what started out as a simple tea time break blossomed into… _This_. It was… Unnerving how Gin managed to play the raven Kuchiki like that. And… Shigekuni. He was _no_ help, the bastard. He grinned and agreed. The other Taichos present (sans Toushirou who had looked utterly lost) had agreed, Kenpachi had been especially supportive of his decision. He swallowed. He was losing a _really_ amazing Fukutaicho by doing something this stupid. He sat up straight as a rod and composed his features. He levelly met Renji's gaze and his resolve to get it over with faltered.

Renji watched his Taicho as their eyes met and the resolve he saw briefly wavered before sitting firmly into place. Swallowing, the red head tilted his head to the side curiously, refraining from blurting out his demands at his _Taicho_- who looked to be in pain. Whatever happened? Oh! Maybe Kuchiki-Taicho was going on vacation and wanted Renji to take his place!!!

"I hope you will continue to respect me following this meeting, Abarai-Fukutaicho," began the raven Kuchiki. Renji blinked.

"Pardon, sir?" he said.

Byakuya sternly held his gaze, though it was clear he would rather be elsewhere. "I have been… Informed by… Ichimaru-Taicho and Yamamoto-Genryūsai-SouTaicho that…" He paused, considering his words. "We, you and I, need to have…" He cleared his throat. "'The Talk.'" Renji stared in confusion. What was 'The Talk'? Byakuya foresaw this reaction.

You see, when one dies and comes to the Rukongai, one forgets their human memories, thus erasing 'The Talk' from their minds. Thus it fell to the Taichos of the Gotei Thirteen to inform their lieutenants and other underlings of… Byakuya shivered at the thought of the discussion with Renji to come.

"Excuse me, but what 'talk', Kuchiki-Taicho?" inquired Renji. "Am I being replaced?"

Byakuya groaned. "If only it was that easy, Abarai," he murmured. "'The Talk'. Also know as…" He paused. "The Birds and the Bees."

Renji tensed in thought, searching his mind. No, that phrase did not ring a bell. "Forgive me sir, but I've never heard that phrase. Is it code for a mission of some sort?"

Byakuya exhaled. "No, Abarai. It is no code. And _of course_ you've not heard of it, fool. Only the captains of the Gotei Thirteen know of this. It is our job to inform our lieutenants and other squad mates of it." Renji nodded, his facial features going intent. He leaned forward, ready to hear this. It must be important for Kuchiki-Taicho to fidget.

"Alright. Shall I take notes?" asked Renji seriously. Byakuya nearly slapped his forehead; _nearly_ because it would be undignified for a Kuchiki to do so in public.

"_No_," emphasized Byakuya. Renji nodded intently. "You have reached the age where you may start to notice changes in your body," began Byakuya. Uh-oh. Renji was getting a bad feeling about this. What kind of talk was this?!

"Kuchiki-Taicho, what…?"

Byakuya glared and Renji shut up, getting the message. '_We're being watched by the bastards that set this up. Shut up and go with it_.' Both glanced at the window and looked at each other again. Byakuya exhaled normally though his breathing shook slightly. Renji felt his face grow warmer at Kuchiki-Taicho's next words.

"You may find yourself having… Interesting dreams."

Renji swallowed but he was truly interested. "Like, the one last night involving me, Ichigo, and some chains?" It was Byakuya's turn to blush as that delicious image danced across his mind.

"… Yes," murmured the Taicho after a long, silent pause.

Renji nodded. "What do they mean? They're weird, Kuchiki-Taicho. They start off normal and stuff, just me and the Go-Man **(1)** walking down the street together then… They get weird…" Byakuya blinked, his eyes dilating but Renji continued ranting about the… Activities in his dreams.

Byakuya stared blankly at his lieutenant. He knew the blush was contaminating his face with every word out of Renji's mouth but… "They," he interrupted, "are called… Wet dreams. They… Portray your deepest… Sexual urges." Renji's face darkened.

"Aa," he murmured.

"So," said Byakuya in what could be taken as either cheer or killer intent, "_that's_ what we're here to talk about, my little Fukutaicho." Renji got that message too. _I am going to kill you, Renji Abarai-Fukutaicho, for putting me through that __**torment**_!

Renji blinked. What? "What, sex?"

Byakuya glared. "_Safe_ sex, Abarai-Fukutaicho."

"O-oh," whispered Renji.

"Safe sex. Since it is quite clear you're a homosexual," Renji blushed darkly, "the basics of staying safe are simple, Abarai. You do not _have_ to wear a condom if you are the one on top during homosexual intercourse, though it is highly advised due to risk of various forms of STD, HIV, and AIDS." Byakuya gave Renji a stern look. "Understand? Because, if I hear you've given someone STDs," the raven started. Renji gulped, his blush darkening.

"Y-yes, Kuchiki-Taicho… I understand!"

"Good." The raven stood and pointed at the door viciously, glaring down at Renji. "Now, be gone." Renji squeaked and rushed to the door, unlocking it. He fled the room and Byakuya turned to the window.

"Oh, good show Byakuya-Chan," purred the voice of the Third Captain of the Gotei Thirteen. Byakuya glared in annoyance at the window as Gin Ichimaru slipped inside. "Although I cannot help but wonder…" Gin walked slowly to the Sixth Captain's side and pressed his lips to Byakuya's ear. "What is What is_ your_ secret fantasy, my lover?"

-)-(-

**1- Go-Man- **Ichi**go**. Haha, get it? IchiGO, the Go-Man… Ha… My lame attempt at humor…

**Um. Well, what to say? My friend and I came up with this… In a random conversation. Um, this was the first of many, so, if you want a sequel, just ask. The Taicho-lecturing-Fukutaicho will be a secret till the sequel if there is one.** XOXO- Ci**rc**_us_


End file.
